What Every Man Should Know About Women
By Leilani Grossbauer

oney, listen to me, and listen to me good.  There is no such thing as being completely honest with your girl.  Sure, you love her, you’re honest about that, but there are some conversations that are better left unsaid. If you want to stay on your sweetheart’s good side, there are three topics to avoid:  age, weight, and your mother-in-law (or soon-to-be-mother-in-law-hopefully).  You must evade these at all costs, or be prepared to lie. Yes, I am advocating bold-faced thou-shalt-not lies—that is, if you want to stay on good terms with your significant other.             What is it about age that is so damaging to your relationship, you may ask?  It’s not the actual birth date of your significant other; it’s acknowledging the fact that, as birthdays pass, so do her youthful attributes.  For instance, you can’t
		buy her a Greatest Hits of the 80s CD and tell her you thought of her when you saw all the old hits. That implies she’s old.  You must say: “Honey, you may be too young to know some of the songs, but I bought you this great CD.”  Also, any comments about a younger actress are off-limits (including even looking at one of the “Deal or No Deal” case-carriers).  And husbands, it’s an insult to ask your wife what those purple circles are under her eyes after she’s been up five nights in a row with the baby, gone to work and then come home to make dinner for you and Baby, done the dishes, packed lunches for the next day, swept the floor that was covered with food that missed Baby’s mouth, picked up all the toys, shoes, and hung up your shirt.  Sure it’s a sign of age…or a sign of being aged.  Bring attention to this and you will suffer from the look of death. Commit the sin of omission with this one!
Weight.  First of all, never, under any circumstances, agree to go clothes shopping with Her (that’s what girlfriends are for).  It’s a trap. She may coax you along, but if you are near her and a dressing room, she’s bound to pop the question: “Does this make me look fat?” Once you’ve heard these words, what’s a boy to do?  You cannot be honest.  You can’t say, “Well, dear, since you are carrying five extra pounds, anything that you choose in that size is bound to show a little jiggle.”  Nor can you say, “Yes, that does make you look like you have thick ankles.”  And NEVER say: “Huh?  Well it looked good on (insert model’s name here).”  If she asks you if she looks good in her new swim suit, grab her and hug her in order to avoid eye contact, and kiss her so you don’t have to answer.  She may be so shocked at this sudden display of affection that she will forget that you didn’t answer her.             Your girl may forgive you if you err and say something truthful about her weight or age—after all, you are a guy—but the kiss of death is to tell her your honest feelings about her mother. Rule number one, you may already know:  the woman is right.  But the rule that precedes that rule is:  Her mother is always the best.  Mother is the one who has the best recipe for meatloaf and apple pie.  She advises on anything (including financial matters, sorry Suze).  Mother is the only one who knows how to properly plan a wedding, run a household, raise a child, and pick the color scheme for your bedroom.  (Get used to the lilac floral bedspread, buddy.)  When Mother comes up, just nod and smile.             So, if you want to keep your girl happy, go ahead and shower her with flowers, diamonds, and a pair of Manolo Blahinks, but steer clear of “Honey, do I…” line of questioning.  These questions are lethal to your scoring any points, if answered honestly.  You must lie.  Mark my words:  either repent of the lie afterwards, or suffer the wrath of a scorned woman.