Conversations with Billy Blanks
By Holly Beal
es! Both children are finally asleep. Now I can finally work out! I’ve been waiting to do this for at least a week.
Let’s see…which workout today? I know, Tae Bo—I’m feeling the need to get my butt kicked. Basic workout or advanced? Hmm. Advanced. I need it. And anyway, it’s not that hard.
“I’m Billy Blanks, and this is the Tae Bo Advanced Workout.”
Hey, Billy! Bring it on! Yeah, I’m feeling the groove, let’s get this party started!—Oh, he’s started. Shoulder rolls. Right.
“And alternate the shoulder rolls, with one, two, three....”
You know, I think I read somewhere that you shouldn’t warm up for a workout quickly. I’d better do these slower, so I don’t hurt myself. Ahh, much better.
Look at all those girls, with their tight abs. If I keep doing this video, I could look like that, too. I’m going to do it every day this week, even if I can’t walk for being so sore. I love to work out!
“Moving into the uppercut.”
Uppercuts—my favorite! Hngh! Hngh! Take that! And that! Ooh, and this roundhouse kick, too! I love these kicks! If I could only keep my bal—woah! Where’s something to hold on to?
“Come on, now, one more set!”
Another set? No problem! I can do it! I’m tough. Just like those skinny little bags of muscle on the video. Hah! Hah! What’s next?
“Here’s one even these guys don’t like! Ready?”
Squat kicks. Ugh. Ouch, two, three, ouch, five, ouch, seven, ouch!
“One more! Ah, yeah! I told you, I’m always watching!”
No! Two sets are plenty! Didn’t you hear my ouches? I thought you were watching!
What are you wearing, anyway? You think you’re so tough, Billy, but you’re not. I can beat you any—
“Let’s move into machine gun kicks.”
Machine gun kicks? Are you serious?
Ouch, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle. My leg! It’s going to fall off! And what is that jiggling? I didn’t know my fat had such a swing to it!
“Now for swivel kicks. Pull that knee up! Ready?”
One, two, three, four—is that my son crying? I’d better go check.
I guess I was imagining things. Oh, I missed the jump kicks, too. Well, it’s too hard to rewind on the DVD. Better just keep on going.
“We’re not finished yet! Move to the floor and lift that leg!”
Leg lifts. Work the glutes. Work the thighs. Work the glutes. Are we done yet?
“You feel like quitting?”
Yes!
“You need to reach inside and find that higher power!”
I’m asking that higher power to kick you in the shins! Ouch! My butt is on fire!
“Jump right back in there, do what it takes!”
Oh, I’m going to do what it takes all right—to kill you. Where’s that remote?
“We’re almost done now! Just a few more sets of crunches!”
I’m never doing this video again! OUCH!
“One more set! You can do it!”
One, I hate you! Two, I hate you! Three, I hate you!
“All done! Time for the cool down!”
I love you!
Can someone help me get up from the floor? I can’t move.
