Mortal Enemies
By Angela Arlia

aaaaahe cell phone has become my mortal enemy. This hostility didn't occur overnight; it's been gradually picking away at my last nerve for many years now.
aaaaaIt all started when I got my first cell phone. I got it mostly because I used to drive my car a lot and I was by myself when doing so. I decided that it would be good to have a cell phone "just in case". "Just in case" could have been anything from getting lost to needing to call someone to come watch the car while I went to the bathroom (I live in New York--parking a car can be an all-day event) to being mauled by a raccoon, etc. It was fine for awhile--trusty little cell phone, making me feel safe as I drove alone around the city.
aaaaaThen one day, my phone's battery went dead. How dare it? And it just happened to do so the day I actually got into a car accident and really needed it. Trusty little piece of scrap metal! That was almost 5 years ago.
aaaaaPerhaps I've been resenting my cell phone ever since then, I'm not really sure. I just know that whenever I really needed it, my cell phone battery was dead! It seemed as though I was constantly recharging it. And yet, when I needed to make a call to see if aliens were invading or if something equally pressing had just happened, the snooty cell phone couldn't do what it was designed to do! It could not fulfill its job responsibilities. (If it were an employee, I would have fired it a long time ago.)

        
aaaaaAfter a couple of negative cell phone incidents, I decided I didn't really need to have the phone with me all of the time. It was becoming like an umbrella--you know, whenever I had it, it wouldn't rain; and whenever I didn't have it, torrential flooding. Just so with the phone: whenever I didn't need it and no one called me, I had it with me. And whenever I did need it, it suddenly had no dial tone or fell in a puddle and shorted a circuit. You get the drift.
aaaaaI even tried to out-smart my phone: I'd take it with me haphazardly and get nothing--no calls, no text messages, nothing. I'd happen to leave it home and I got calls about jobs for which I had applied and lotteries I had won. Ridiculous!! Blast you, cell phone!
aaaaaIn light of the above experiences, it's no surprise that I have often considered getting rid of my cell phone altogether. But then I worried that I might get stuck on the subway without a 		a        
game to play whenever I forget my book at home. (Anyone who has lived in New York City knows how critical it is to NOT make eye contact with other people on the subway; therefore books, cell phone games and iPods provide an essential diversion.)
aaaaaIn spite of my irritating experiences with my own evil cell phone, I think I could abide cell phones in general without too much animosity if I weren't constantly being bombarded with other people's intrusive cell phone usage. I mean, how many times have you heard one side of someone else's entire phone conversation while standing in line for movie tickets or trying to enjoy lunch in a restaurant? It used to be a once-in-a-while thing. Now, I hear the most intimate details of people's lives on a daily basis! Just yesterday I heard how much someone got paid to write an article just like this one. I choked on a bit of cappuccino foam upon hearing it. Did I really need to know that? NO!!!
aaaaaWhenever I hear these intimate and private details, which are usually said at PA-system decibel levels, I wonder if I should apologize to the speaker for the things I've heard. Should I walk up to that certain someone and say, "Gee, I'm really sorry to have been eavesdropping on your conversation, but I couldn't help it because you were talking so darn loudly!"? Or, "I'm so sorry to hear you have syphilis." What on earth is wrong with people? I'm so conscious about burdening complete strangers with my problems that I barely talk on the phone any more in public, even when my cell phone is working. That consideration doesn't seem to be stopping anyone else.
aaaaaI've often had this argument with my sister. She loves the buses in New York City because she doesn't feel as claustrophobic in them as she does in the subway. Me, I would rather have a person who crawled through the sewer hover over me on the subway than hear someone's unlimited-minutes cell phone conversation on the bus. Maybe I'm a little touchy on the subject, but I always get the burning desire to walk up to that annoying cell phone talker on the bus and just slap the phone right out from his grappling claws.
aaaaaOh, and who among you hasn't had the zig-zag cell phone walker in front of you when you're in a rush? You know whom I'm talking about. It's the person having a conversation on her cell phone while sauntering here and there in a haphazard fashion, too absorbed in her conversation about her most recent yeast infection and/or bunions to pay attention to where she's going. That's when I feel the need to practice my NFL punting.
aaaaaI'm not even touching upon half of the irritating things people do with their cell phones here. And what is up with the new cell phone belt attachments that look like Old West holsters? Are cell phones supposed to be the modern-day pistol? There are gentlemen in my office, for instance, who constantly look as though they are going to have some Old West-style shoot-out in the middle of the lobby, a la John Wayne. I sometimes wonder if they stage cell phone duels in the break room, where they both receive a call at the same time and whoever picks up the quickest wins. So then is the winner declared the quickest phone in the East? Any of you cell phone talkers know where can I find tumbleweed in New York City?