The Art of Communication
By T.M.S. Marshall

aaaa've heard many people say that communication is the most important characteristic of any relationship. To some degree, I believe this is true. I know I have had considerable success with my friendships because I am a believer in talking and listening as much as possible. It strengthens the relationship. However, I'm not insane enough to believe that everything a person says applies in every situation.
aaaaFor instance, I have always told my friends that I have an abnormal fear of snakes. So they are all pretty sure that if a snake should show up in a movie, or a cartoon or in a street, they shouldn't be upset if I run off and don't help them. That's what I believe I would do in said circumstances in the presence of snakes. But if I were really in a situation with a snake and say, a burning house (being burned/fire is another of my abnormal fears), would I be more afraid of the snake or the burning house? See, I can't really tell you because I don't know. (And I'm certainly not trying to imply that I would ever want to be in that kind of situation either.)
aaaaJust as every idea communicated during a discussion may not apply in all situations, so does the definition of communication vary from person to person. This explains why we have politicians, lawyers, and tabloid journalists out the wazoo, each one with a different version of the truth and different ideas as to how the facts ought to be communicated. It also explains why my boss can talk for hours during a meeting and I still have no idea what the meeting accomplished.

a a aaaaSo what happens when another person's idea of communication differs from your own? Is gossip still communication? Or venting? Or lying? What about the unauthorized sharing of information originally conveyed in confidence? Can communication be negative? Does true communication imply or even require a certain level of trust between the parties concerned, or is all talk, regardless of the consequence, considered communication?
aaaaI was forced to deal with these and other unpleasant questions recently when someone I had confided in shared my information with several of our mutual acquaintances. This information-sharing occurred when the culprit was upset with me, and was initiated in a malevolent manner, with a complete disregard for my feelings, when I was not around to defend

myself. How does one handle such a situation? Does such activity qualify as actual communication? Not the way I define it.
aaaaLet's look at the definition of the verb "to communicate" and see how the above-mentioned act rates. According to the dictionary, one way to communicate is "to transmit information so that it is satisfactorily understood". When I look at this definition, I say, Angie, it sort of fits. Tell someone else about the information you've heard so that the person to whom you are transmitting it understands it, whether they need to know the information or not. I guess it is effective communication. Darn, here I was thinking it really wasn't.
aaaaOr, how about the meaning which is "to make known"? There it is again! Making secrets of someone who has confided in you known is, in fact, communicating. So I guess the real question we should be asking is, "Is this communication positive or negative?" Perhaps, like beauty in the eye, the answer to this question is also subjective, going back to our days on the playground, where our ideas of proper and improper communication were first formed. In those moments, we also learned the consequences of our communications.
aaaaFor instance, think back a bit to days of old, when you were playing with your friends in the schoolyard during recess. Inevitably, there was always some kid in the class who was constantly running to tell an adult/authority figure that "Bobby" did something he wasn't supposed to do (communication). I recall that type of behavior getting that kid named a "tattle-tale" (consequence). If "Priscilla" here had not said anything about what Bobby was doing, she wouldn't have to walk around all her young life with the moniker of "tattle-tale". Obviously, though, if Priscilla continues to tell authority figures what other "Bobbies" are doing without realizing that maybe she should pipe down, and that in her constant blabbing she is making enemies, then she will get a reputation of being untrustworthy (another consequence). The key here is that at some time we hope that Priscilla will get an epiphany and realize that her actions are making people react negatively towards her.
aaaaHowever, unlike our little Priscilla, some people don't have the genetic or intellectual capacity to understand that in communicating, they might hurt others. It takes an incredibly sensitive and reflective person to know that, even if you are angry, you shouldn't use your anger to hurt another person. By retaliating in your anger in such a fashion, you are proving you haven't really matured at all, but are still essentially hanging out on the playground, pouting because you weren't picked first for dodgeball. You are still living in those days of old when you were called a tattle-tale.
aaaaI believe that real communication means speaking to people the way you would like to be spoken to. It means not giving up information that isn't any one else's business. It's on par with being respectful of other people's feelings. In an ideal world, everyone would communicate this way. Unfortunately, I fear our world still has a long way to go.